Mother's Day and a Birthday Wish

Mother's Day by definition means: An annual day for honoring mothers and motherhood observed on the second Sunday of May.

Mother by definition means: n.1. A female parent 2. A female who holds a position of authority or responsibility. v. (mothered) 1. to give birth to; be the mother of. 2. To create; produce 3. To watch over, nourish and protect.

I suppose the most significant of words I would use to describe a mother would be; one who loves unconditionally, guides, teaches and protects her children. It is my greatest desire to be described with these words.

For many years I had a love/hate relationship with Mother's Day. My own Mother, God rest her soul, did not give me many of the things I needed. Mostly protection. I traveled a difficult path that today indeed I would protect my own children from with my life. Forgiveness and unconditional love was/is my last eternal gift to my mother.

Today is May 7th, 2010. The birthday of my first born daughter, Katie. I love you with all of my heart! Happy Birthday

On May 7th, 1987 at the age of 15 I became a mother, at least a biological mother. I gave birth. I love this daughter as if she were my own. But she is not my own for I gave her to another mother. One that could take care of her in a way that I could not. A mother that could protect her with the wisdom that comes from age. A mother who would, did and does love her as much as I do. The love of a mother who could not have children of her own. I have never stopped caring and worrying over her well being.

She has asked me the what if question? What if I had kept her? This does break my heart. I don't know. It didn't seem like an option at the time. I did what I thought was best for her.

So Mother's Day was/is bittersweet for me. I honored my mother but felt emptiness for I too had the love in my heart for my child. I was a mother but I was not a mother.

This sounds selfish so I apologize. I was not celebrated on Mother's day. Rightfully so I was not honored or recognized on Mother's day. Deep down it hurt. Again this sounds so selfish to me but it is the truth of my feelings. With guilt over these feelings I have asked myself, "What about this child who maybe felt abandoned by her mother?" I have prayed every day that she would feel and know my love for her.

Many years later when my son, Billy was born, I was recognized as a "Mother". It made Mother's Day a little less painful but the sting was still there underneath.

The underlying pain of my own childhood and the lost years of my first born daughter's childhood is still there today. Maybe a little stronger this year with the passing of my mother. I suppose now I know what it feels like to not have my mother.

Joyce