I go through the motions that I must , calling and planning. Hiding my sorrow in busy motion and a numb professional voice.
But truthfully I am heartbroken. No one can quite know what my grandmother meant to me. She was the matriarch of our family. My hero, my friend, my inspiration, my heart.
I could always depend on her for a smile, a chuckle. Her joy and gratitude radiated to all that knew her.
Last week my niece, Cara interviewed Pama for a school project. Cara asked her, "What lessons have you learned in life?" Pama answered, "Tell the truth. Be yourself. Don't let anybody push you around."
Pama had medical conditions but they seemed under control. I thought I would have some warning. I thought her health would decline in a way that the doctors and I would know.
When I saw her last Friday her eyes lit up when she saw me from across the room. I wish I had stayed with her longer. I kissed and hugged her goodbye. Told her I loved her. As I walked away I turned to look at her, she was waving at me. I went back to her and kissed her again and told her "I'll see you soon."
In some ways I wish I had known in a little over 48 hours my chances to be with her would be gone.
I am thankful she passed the way she wished. She had said, "I don't want to know when it's coming. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, and hopefully I'll have lipstick on."
I think most people, myself included, hope to pass on into heaven so peacefully.
I have never known someone who lived so vibrantly.
I know where she is now but selfishly I regret. I just wish I had more time.
Joyce
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