Last week while at zoo camp I had some time to write. But it was literally writing in a notebook. A paper notebook. I hate writing on paper. I can get my thoughts out typing much faster than I can with pen and paper. With paper I often lose my train of thought. But anyways I wrote this.
Some people have asked me or commented to me regarding how my husband and I seem so connected and affectionate. And how after 9 years we still look at each other that way. Well here is what I came up with when I tried to get the words out on paper. The short answer is: communication, humor, respect and passion. The long answer is following.
Never let it slide. What does that mean? Well maybe not the right words. Don't let it dull. Hard to explain but......
Think of a time when your love hurt your feelings. You had sharp pain. You were pissed! Angry, Mad, sad. You felt passion. Voices were raised. maybe even a door or two was slammed. Well I think this is healthy. Now that being said, it is terribly unhealthy if physical or mental abuse is happening. Raise your voice but don't use words you'll regret. Never name call, at least not out loud. I have called a few names in my head but will never admit it! Well, I just kind of did admit it but I'll never tell you the word I thought! ;)
See the way I see it is: If you never argue (use the word disagree for a milder term if you must but my husband and I argue) in a relationship...well, then heck somebody is lying! At some point your partner is going to say and do something that pushes your buttons or hurts your feelings. Things are not perfect. The saying, "Too good to be true." applies here.
But listen to your partners point of view. And after an argument apologize for your raised voices. There are times that you will have to agree to disagree. Other times you will HAVE to find a compromise that you can both live with. Don't let your pride get in the way of this. This is marriage which is not always a piece of cake.
More dangerous to me is the neglect of the relationship. When things are allowed to be acceptable. A dull ache. An unhealed wound. Not festering just dormant.
I have seen this in some of my past relationships. We slowly allowed it to just die. I think it all starts with little unresolved misunderstandings, a break down of communication, lack of respect. It all ends with nothing. It's gone. It can happen so quickly. Then you care no more.
Next time you are at a restaurant or bar look around and you'll find that couple. Throughout their time together they hardly achieve eye contact and no words are spoken. It's sad to see.
At first glance this may seem like their normal existence. But for some couples this may be temporary due to stress, anxiety or tragedy. For some this unbelievable coma is constant and chronic. It's like a terminal illness within their marriage. How long have they lived this way? How did this happen?
Now don't get me wrong. There are times in my life with my husband where silence is golden and no words need to be spoken. Even in these times I feel connected to him, content with him and comfortable. But the spark and passion is always there.
It is okay to feel content when your relationship is strong.
But for God's sake speak up when things aren't feeling right!!!! You know! You sense it. and if you ignore it you will end up like "that couple" I spoke of before.
Say, "I feel like we aren't connected. Is something going on? Are you upset with me?" or "Hey I'm upset cause we haven't been talking lately!" or "I feel distant from you. Do you feel it? Why?"
Open this conversation up! Look at it together as a couple. And be relentless in your search for the answer! Your marriage depends on it.
If your spouse tries to delay this conversation, let him. For 24 hours. Maybe he is sorting out his feelings and doesn't know what to say.
After 24 hours don't take no for an answer. This cannot be forgotten. you cannot give up. a line form my favorite movie Apollo 13, "Failure is not an option."
I do feel the need to clear up something here. The second my hubby is irritated I don't schedule a throwdown. nothing, and I mean nothing, pisses a man off more than when he is stressed or tired or worried to have the woman he loves saying, "You don't love me anymore!?!?"
I can tell when just regular stress is causing the problem or if something is wrong with the relationship. We all need our time alone to sort through stuff. make sure you give him his space when he needs it.
So love, honor and cherish each other and your relationship.
Never lose your sense of humor.
Joytobe
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