Just so Sad

I went to visit my Pama. It was not a good day. In my earlier post I mentioned how she has forgotten so many things. But today was a little different.

Occasionally I catch her on a day that her mind is stuck on Darlene (my mother). She does not remember that her daughter has died. It breaks me as I try to change the subject. Sometimes I succeed and she doesn't mention it again. Some days I have to break down and tell her that she died.

Today though she kept asking to go see Darlene. Over and over. Or she asked if I had seen Darlene. I tried hopelessly to change the subject but it always returned. On her 93rd birthday I couldn't bare to tell her that her daughter was dead.

I left sooner than I would have liked but I could no longer take it.

On my way home I succumbed to such grief. It was as if she died yesterday instead of almost two years ago. I just sobbed. A couple of times when Pama said, "After lunch let's go see Darlene" I felt as if I was in a time machine. Or that time had stayed still and maybe she was still alive. I would like to see her.

I think I have some unresolved emotions around the death of my mother. Some things I still need to reconcile. It will happen or it won't.

But days like today are just so difficult and so sad.
Joyce