Good Morning,
Today is Monday March 8, 2010 Day 26 of my posting project. I have posted most of those days and I am happy about that.
I am bored with posting my routine every day so I am not going to anymore unless there is a change. I may post it somewhere on here but not an everyday thing.
Today I want to fluff it up a bit. So here is some major fluff!
Following are the words written on a card I received many years ago from my brother and sister-in-law.
Really Alive
Live Juicy. Stamp out conformity. Stay in bed all day. Dream of gypsy wagons. Find snails making love. Develop an astounding appetite for books. Drink sunsets. Draw out your feelings. Amaze yourself. Be ridiculous. Stop worrying. Now. If not now, then when? Make yes your favorite word. Marry yourself. Dry your clothes in the sun. Eat mangoes naked. Keep toys in the bathtub. Spin yourself dizzy. Hang upside down. Follow a child. Celebrate an old person. Send a love letter to yourself. Be advanced. Try endearing. Invent new ways to love. Transform negatives. Delight someone. Wear pajamas to a drive in movie. Allow yourself to feel rich without money. Be who you truly are. Believe in everything. Your are always on your way to a miracle.
The miracle is you.
-Sark
I found this card yesterday in a box. God sent it to me because I needed it.
Have a great day.
Joytobe
Showing posts with label Really Random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Really Random. Show all posts
Monday, March 8, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Fluffy vs Raw
I think of myself as fluffy. I like the fluff. Inspiring or funny quotes. Raindrops on Roses and whiskers on Kittens. You know the feel good stuff.
Stuff like this: In the dead of winter, I sit in my family room in the sunshine and drink a Mai Tai from a Tiki cup while listening to Bob Marley. I do, I have, I really do.
So for the most part I want this site to be well..... kinda fluffy. Not too deep. There are times like today however, when fluffy doesn't work for me. Above all else I want this to be real. Fluffy is often my reality but not today.
Today I am raw. Road burn raw. It's long and detailed and for me. So here it is.
Today is March 5, 2010.
My mom had MS for 30+ years. For many years the MS was not so bad that she couldn't live her life fairly normally. The last five years of her life the MS took everything from her. She suffered as her freedoms were taken away from her. No longer able to drive. No longer able to live in her home. Moved away from friends to live in assisted living. And finally moved from assisted living to a nursing home at the age of 64. Being of sound mind she knew exactly what was happening to her. She was living with people 20 years older than her who drooled and weren't of sound mind. Through these times my mom asked me several times why God didn't just take her. These were the darkest of days. Some days I asked God the same question. Some days I prayed God would take her.
To give this....I don't know what to call it.....story? To give this "writing" truth I need to add some things that are unpleasant. I loved my mother. But I didn't like her. She was not a truly nice person. She was demanding and selfish and often times rude ( there was no Please and Thank you). The older she became and more despondent over her situation the worse this became. She lost what little relationships she had with her children and almost everyone else. Except the unconditional love of her mother. Which is one reason I am so thankful they were able to live together the last year of my mom's life.
My mother never found joy in her entire life. I believe that because joy comes from your relationships....relationships with spouse, with family, with yourself and with God. Because of the person she was she never had these.
I was neglected as a child and still harbor sad feelings about this. Yes, I have been to therapy. My therapist told me three things that really helped me through these times. Some things are unforgivable. Only give to her what you can lovingly give. And because she continues to hurt you maybe you can't forgive her until she dies. Whew
I have been completely terrified all of my adult life, that I will become her. This fear transcends all other fears and continues to this day.
In January 2009, I suggested to my siblings maybe we should put our mom in hospice to help her get joy out of her remaining life. She could no longer see, wasn't eating, was aspirating liquids. She had just about lost her ability to move or control any part of her body. She was often confused. She didn't smile much. The only thing she had left was her hearing. Her quality of life was basically zero.
We all agreed. My understanding is when someone enters hospice you are pretty much saying we are only going to treat her for comfort. Any medications given are not to prolong life just make life more comfortable.
Heartland Hospice was great. They did for my mother what I could not give her lovingly. A music therapist came and sang to her. A preacher visited her. Extra nursing staff and volunteers came to see her. Admittedly my visits with her were short. I would stay as long as my mind and heart could take it. It was very comforting to know Heartland was there for her. I do think they brought her joy especially with the guitar and music.
About two weeks into hospice my mother started telling me about her visitors. Her husband, my father Joe, deceased for eight years. Her father, deceased for 20 years. Hospice told me this was not unusual. Who's to say? Maybe God sent them to comfort her and help her find acceptance.
In early March 2009 my mother developed a low fever. I remember sitting and answering the phone. My heart beat faster knowing this fever was probably caused by an infection. Could it clear without antibiotics? Was this the beginning of the end?
Within 48 hours it became clear. This was it. Her fever was very high. She was more confused and was refusing to eat. The date was March 4, 2009. I spent most of the day with my mother. I was asked if we wanted to do a chest x-ray and urinalysis to see where the infection was. I was told there was no reason to do this if we weren't going to treat with antibiotics. This is hard. At this point one of my sisters started to waiver. Urinary tract infections are so easy to treat. I was arrogantly steadfast in our decision for hospice (treat only for comfort). I think I even said to my own dismay, "What is the point?" I cringe at how insensitive I was to my sister and myself.
This day was March 5th, 2009. Exactly one year from today. By noon it was becoming apparent my sister from St Louis needed to come now. She was driving to Minnesota. This day is somewhat of a blur. I remember vividly some things. My mom trying to take a drink of water. She aspirated the water. It was awful to see her gasping and choking.
The most painful memory of that day was when the preacher came to pray with my mother and grandmother. My grandmother was watching her daughter die. I can't imagine that kind of pain when I think of my own children. She kept holding her daughters hand telling her to fight, fight this. The preacher asked my mom who was barely speaking if she was ready to go to heaven and see Jesus. My mother opened her eyes shaking her head and saying no. The preacher asking God to help my mom through this difficult journey to heaven.
I panicked. For all the times my mother had asked for God to take her. She wasn't ready to die. Had I asked my mom if she wanted to go into hospice? She wasn't ready to die. I was wrong. Was it too late to treat this? Could we save her now?
At one point she cried out, "Help Me. I need help." I will remember that until the day I die. It broke my heart. Then my Dr told me this. "Help doesn't mean medical cure. You were helping her." It still is a vision that gives me chills and breaks my heart all over again. It helps what Dr Oster said.
So one year ago Today I could have changed the outcome. At least temporarily.
But I didn't.
What I did do is I forgave her completely. The pain is still there. Everything still happened, I haven't forgotten. God bestowed upon me a magnificent gift. Without hesitation My heart forgave her. I don't know how but I do know why. I was able to love my mother unconditionally. The last day of her life I barely left her side. I laid on the bed with her. I provided every loving word and action in truth and honesty. This was genuine unconditional love.
One year later I still feel that forgiveness in my heart and it still rings true.
Joytobe
Stuff like this: In the dead of winter, I sit in my family room in the sunshine and drink a Mai Tai from a Tiki cup while listening to Bob Marley. I do, I have, I really do.
So for the most part I want this site to be well..... kinda fluffy. Not too deep. There are times like today however, when fluffy doesn't work for me. Above all else I want this to be real. Fluffy is often my reality but not today.
Today I am raw. Road burn raw. It's long and detailed and for me. So here it is.
Today is March 5, 2010.
My mom had MS for 30+ years. For many years the MS was not so bad that she couldn't live her life fairly normally. The last five years of her life the MS took everything from her. She suffered as her freedoms were taken away from her. No longer able to drive. No longer able to live in her home. Moved away from friends to live in assisted living. And finally moved from assisted living to a nursing home at the age of 64. Being of sound mind she knew exactly what was happening to her. She was living with people 20 years older than her who drooled and weren't of sound mind. Through these times my mom asked me several times why God didn't just take her. These were the darkest of days. Some days I asked God the same question. Some days I prayed God would take her.
To give this....I don't know what to call it.....story? To give this "writing" truth I need to add some things that are unpleasant. I loved my mother. But I didn't like her. She was not a truly nice person. She was demanding and selfish and often times rude ( there was no Please and Thank you). The older she became and more despondent over her situation the worse this became. She lost what little relationships she had with her children and almost everyone else. Except the unconditional love of her mother. Which is one reason I am so thankful they were able to live together the last year of my mom's life.
My mother never found joy in her entire life. I believe that because joy comes from your relationships....relationships with spouse, with family, with yourself and with God. Because of the person she was she never had these.
I was neglected as a child and still harbor sad feelings about this. Yes, I have been to therapy. My therapist told me three things that really helped me through these times. Some things are unforgivable. Only give to her what you can lovingly give. And because she continues to hurt you maybe you can't forgive her until she dies. Whew
I have been completely terrified all of my adult life, that I will become her. This fear transcends all other fears and continues to this day.
In January 2009, I suggested to my siblings maybe we should put our mom in hospice to help her get joy out of her remaining life. She could no longer see, wasn't eating, was aspirating liquids. She had just about lost her ability to move or control any part of her body. She was often confused. She didn't smile much. The only thing she had left was her hearing. Her quality of life was basically zero.
We all agreed. My understanding is when someone enters hospice you are pretty much saying we are only going to treat her for comfort. Any medications given are not to prolong life just make life more comfortable.
Heartland Hospice was great. They did for my mother what I could not give her lovingly. A music therapist came and sang to her. A preacher visited her. Extra nursing staff and volunteers came to see her. Admittedly my visits with her were short. I would stay as long as my mind and heart could take it. It was very comforting to know Heartland was there for her. I do think they brought her joy especially with the guitar and music.
About two weeks into hospice my mother started telling me about her visitors. Her husband, my father Joe, deceased for eight years. Her father, deceased for 20 years. Hospice told me this was not unusual. Who's to say? Maybe God sent them to comfort her and help her find acceptance.
In early March 2009 my mother developed a low fever. I remember sitting and answering the phone. My heart beat faster knowing this fever was probably caused by an infection. Could it clear without antibiotics? Was this the beginning of the end?
Within 48 hours it became clear. This was it. Her fever was very high. She was more confused and was refusing to eat. The date was March 4, 2009. I spent most of the day with my mother. I was asked if we wanted to do a chest x-ray and urinalysis to see where the infection was. I was told there was no reason to do this if we weren't going to treat with antibiotics. This is hard. At this point one of my sisters started to waiver. Urinary tract infections are so easy to treat. I was arrogantly steadfast in our decision for hospice (treat only for comfort). I think I even said to my own dismay, "What is the point?" I cringe at how insensitive I was to my sister and myself.
This day was March 5th, 2009. Exactly one year from today. By noon it was becoming apparent my sister from St Louis needed to come now. She was driving to Minnesota. This day is somewhat of a blur. I remember vividly some things. My mom trying to take a drink of water. She aspirated the water. It was awful to see her gasping and choking.
The most painful memory of that day was when the preacher came to pray with my mother and grandmother. My grandmother was watching her daughter die. I can't imagine that kind of pain when I think of my own children. She kept holding her daughters hand telling her to fight, fight this. The preacher asked my mom who was barely speaking if she was ready to go to heaven and see Jesus. My mother opened her eyes shaking her head and saying no. The preacher asking God to help my mom through this difficult journey to heaven.
I panicked. For all the times my mother had asked for God to take her. She wasn't ready to die. Had I asked my mom if she wanted to go into hospice? She wasn't ready to die. I was wrong. Was it too late to treat this? Could we save her now?
At one point she cried out, "Help Me. I need help." I will remember that until the day I die. It broke my heart. Then my Dr told me this. "Help doesn't mean medical cure. You were helping her." It still is a vision that gives me chills and breaks my heart all over again. It helps what Dr Oster said.
So one year ago Today I could have changed the outcome. At least temporarily.
But I didn't.
What I did do is I forgave her completely. The pain is still there. Everything still happened, I haven't forgotten. God bestowed upon me a magnificent gift. Without hesitation My heart forgave her. I don't know how but I do know why. I was able to love my mother unconditionally. The last day of her life I barely left her side. I laid on the bed with her. I provided every loving word and action in truth and honesty. This was genuine unconditional love.
One year later I still feel that forgiveness in my heart and it still rings true.
Joytobe
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Safe and Sound
Not sure how to write about this. Some scary shit happening today!
Last week Billy school found a message written on a boys bathroom door. Saying the school was going to blow up on March 3rd. (Today)
This morning when the students entered the building they were all searched. Nothing of any concern was found. At around 10:30 a threatening phone call was received at the school. At 11:00 the school was quickly evacuated. Billy ended up at a church across the street.
Oh how I love my child and how well he knows me. Billy sends me the following texts.
7:21 am "Schools Checking bags 2day"
7:24 am "Ther was a bomb threat."
11:02 am ""Evacuatin school but im ok"
He knew I would freak out. I just love that he was thinking of me! A great kid no doubt.
So School was closed and I picked him up at the church across from the school. He is safe and sound and I am saying a thankful prayer.
Billy is acting all tough but I can tell it stressed him out. He's asleep on the couch. I think I'll go watch him sleep.
Grateful
Joytobe
Last week Billy school found a message written on a boys bathroom door. Saying the school was going to blow up on March 3rd. (Today)
This morning when the students entered the building they were all searched. Nothing of any concern was found. At around 10:30 a threatening phone call was received at the school. At 11:00 the school was quickly evacuated. Billy ended up at a church across the street.
Oh how I love my child and how well he knows me. Billy sends me the following texts.
7:21 am "Schools Checking bags 2day"
7:24 am "Ther was a bomb threat."
11:02 am ""Evacuatin school but im ok"
He knew I would freak out. I just love that he was thinking of me! A great kid no doubt.
So School was closed and I picked him up at the church across from the school. He is safe and sound and I am saying a thankful prayer.
Billy is acting all tough but I can tell it stressed him out. He's asleep on the couch. I think I'll go watch him sleep.
Grateful
Joytobe
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The Promise of Spring
March 2nd, 2010 It is not spring yet.
But I feel, hear and smell the promise of spring. It is beautiful.
On my walk down a tree lined path. I heard birds chirping. I felt the sunshine on my face. My shoulders did not feel the burden of a heavy coat. I finally saw wet brown grass now mixed with the dingy snow. A slight breeze refreshed me and did not bring a chill. I passed another who wore the same smile as me. I smelled melting dirt once again holding the promise of new life. I sat in the sunshine on my deck basking in the day. I heard the water constantly dripping from the melting winter.
This beautiful day, this beautiful promise of spring will sustain me and give me the strength to wait for the first shades of green and buds of spring.
ahhhhhhh
Joytobe
But I feel, hear and smell the promise of spring. It is beautiful.
On my walk down a tree lined path. I heard birds chirping. I felt the sunshine on my face. My shoulders did not feel the burden of a heavy coat. I finally saw wet brown grass now mixed with the dingy snow. A slight breeze refreshed me and did not bring a chill. I passed another who wore the same smile as me. I smelled melting dirt once again holding the promise of new life. I sat in the sunshine on my deck basking in the day. I heard the water constantly dripping from the melting winter.
This beautiful day, this beautiful promise of spring will sustain me and give me the strength to wait for the first shades of green and buds of spring.
ahhhhhhh
Joytobe
Monday, March 1, 2010
@%$#^T$*&^^%$@#
Okay Glad I got that out of my system.
I am going to be honest in that I am not happy right now. I am having a flare of Mixed Connective Tissue Disease. This is really not fun. It causes bad joint pain and fatigue, got a rash too. Tried to get an appointment with my rheumatologist but no openings til April 12th!!!!!!! Holy cow Although I would like him to run blood tests, do x-rays and make med adjustments during a flare, I sure hope it doesn't last until April 12th.
I look like a freak with wrist guards on both my arms! Oh yeah, this sucks. I've tried for like the last week to just buck up, not complain, keep moving but alas today all the BS caught up with me.
So I am going back to the couch. No more posts today.
In recovery mode
Joytobe
I am going to be honest in that I am not happy right now. I am having a flare of Mixed Connective Tissue Disease. This is really not fun. It causes bad joint pain and fatigue, got a rash too. Tried to get an appointment with my rheumatologist but no openings til April 12th!!!!!!! Holy cow Although I would like him to run blood tests, do x-rays and make med adjustments during a flare, I sure hope it doesn't last until April 12th.
I look like a freak with wrist guards on both my arms! Oh yeah, this sucks. I've tried for like the last week to just buck up, not complain, keep moving but alas today all the BS caught up with me.
So I am going back to the couch. No more posts today.
In recovery mode
Joytobe
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Randomly Busy Oh No
Errand Day Take 3 Just like that.....again
I was off to run my errands somewhere around Maple Grove. The cell phone rang. Crap..Billy is at school throwing up. Turned around and picked him up. Poor thing wasn't looking good. To leave the school we had to walk right by the lunchroom, where all the kids were eating lunch. Where his now x-girlfriend was eating lunch. He didn't know if he would make it to the car before he yacked again. I was praying hard he would make it. He did! Whew. Then threw up in the car. Now he's asleep on the couch. I'm bout to go cuddle him. Yes, at 15 he still likes to be cuddled, actually he likes the soft tickle on his arm. But only when he is sick. So I gotta grab the opportunity.
So here is the post I wrote earlier today before all of this.
I am running "round and round. What comes around goes around. I'll tell you why". Who sang that song in the 80s?
Lots to do but I wanted to give some updates.
Savanah is feeling much better than Monday when she stayed home from school sick. She is about back to her normal shenanigans ( I love that word).
Billy and his girlfriend broke up. I'm feeling bad for him. I do hope the next one is his age.
My dog, Cabby, has collapsing trachea, diagnosed by x-ray. It is a very mild case and sounds much worse than it is. It was actually a relief to find this is the cause of her coughing and gagging.
This Saturday February 27th is my Honey's 40th birthday. Wow
My sister, Viv, a pediatrician, is going to Haiti next month to Dr people. I am so proud of her!
My other sister is sicker than a dog with shingles (can dogs get shingles?) She is in terrible pain with no relief in sight. Please say a prayer for her.
I am not what you would call a super religious person. You will rarely hear me talk about my beliefs. I will never push my beliefs on you. What I believe as far as God is concerned is not the popular opinion. However, I may put prayer request out there from time to time.
I pray daily and Kate McRae is always part of my prayer. See this website for more information.
http://www.prayforkate.com/#/home-page/
Well off to finish birthday prep!
Joytobe
I was off to run my errands somewhere around Maple Grove. The cell phone rang. Crap..Billy is at school throwing up. Turned around and picked him up. Poor thing wasn't looking good. To leave the school we had to walk right by the lunchroom, where all the kids were eating lunch. Where his now x-girlfriend was eating lunch. He didn't know if he would make it to the car before he yacked again. I was praying hard he would make it. He did! Whew. Then threw up in the car. Now he's asleep on the couch. I'm bout to go cuddle him. Yes, at 15 he still likes to be cuddled, actually he likes the soft tickle on his arm. But only when he is sick. So I gotta grab the opportunity.
So here is the post I wrote earlier today before all of this.
I am running "round and round. What comes around goes around. I'll tell you why". Who sang that song in the 80s?
Lots to do but I wanted to give some updates.
Savanah is feeling much better than Monday when she stayed home from school sick. She is about back to her normal shenanigans ( I love that word).
Billy and his girlfriend broke up. I'm feeling bad for him. I do hope the next one is his age.
My dog, Cabby, has collapsing trachea, diagnosed by x-ray. It is a very mild case and sounds much worse than it is. It was actually a relief to find this is the cause of her coughing and gagging.
This Saturday February 27th is my Honey's 40th birthday. Wow
My sister, Viv, a pediatrician, is going to Haiti next month to Dr people. I am so proud of her!
My other sister is sicker than a dog with shingles (can dogs get shingles?) She is in terrible pain with no relief in sight. Please say a prayer for her.
I am not what you would call a super religious person. You will rarely hear me talk about my beliefs. I will never push my beliefs on you. What I believe as far as God is concerned is not the popular opinion. However, I may put prayer request out there from time to time.
I pray daily and Kate McRae is always part of my prayer. See this website for more information.
http://www.prayforkate.com/#/home-page/
Well off to finish birthday prep!
Joytobe
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